NICKERS

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Do you have a funny horse-related riddle, puzzle, or joke? Please send it over! Enjoy, and feel free to RIPN (rolling in the pasture neighing!).


I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day I went horsesback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down. Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal-mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank Goodness for heroes!


An out-of-towner accidently drove his car into a deep ditch on the side of a country road. Luckily, a farmer happened by with his big, old horse named Benny. The man asked for help. The farmer said Benny could pull his car out. So he backed Benny up and hitched Benny to the man's car bumper. Then he yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Benny didn't move. Then he yelled, "Come on, pull Ranger." Still, Benny didn't move. Then he yelled really loud, "Now pull, Fred, pull hard." Benny just stood. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Okay, Benny, pull." Benny pulled the car out of the ditch. The man was very appreciative but curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn't even try."


Q: Why can't horses dance?
A: Because they have 2 left feet.


Q: When do vampires like horse racing?
A: When it's neck and neck.


Q: What does it mean if you find a horse shoe?
A: Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.


Q: How long should a horse's legs be?
A: Long enough to reach the ground.



There was a famous jockey that never lost a race.When asked how he achieved this, he replied, I whisper in the horse's ear: Roses are red, violets are blue. Horses that lose are made into glue.


Three race horses stood in their stalls. One said to other others: "I ran 20 races and I won 15 of them!" he bragged. The next said with a snort, "Well, I ran 30 races and won 25 of them!" Then the third horse spoke up proudly, "Yeah, I ran 41 races and won 39 of them!" This seemed to settle the topic when thhe horses noticed a Greyhound outside their stalls. The Greyhound said, "I ran 100 races and I won 99 of them." The horses looked at each other in amazement and one gasped, "Wow! A talking greyhound!"


Q: What animal has more "hands" than feet?
A: Why, a horse, of course!


Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: The pace is familiar but I can't remember the mane.


Q: What do you call pony with a sore throat?
A: A little hoarse.


Q: What part of the horse has the most hair?
A: The outside!!!


Q: Have you read the book, "100-mile Horse Trek"
Q: Who wrote it?
A: Major Bumsore


Q: What do you give a sick horse?
A: Cough stirrup.


Q: What's a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable Tennis


Q: Why did the horse go behind the tree?
A: To change his jockeys.


Q: What did one horse say to the other horse?
A: How's your hay fever?


Q: Why did the horse take a slice of hay to bed?
A: To feed his night mares!!!


Q: How do you hire a horse? A: Put a brick under each hoof!

Q: What are the only animals to sleep with their shoes on?
A: A horse, of course!


Q: What breed of horse can jump higher than a house?
A: All breeds. Houses don't jump.


Q: A man rode into town on Friday, stayed three days, and rode out on Friday. How is this possible?
A: His horse's name was Friday.



It was a sunny afternoon when Bob said to George, "Hey, George, why don't we get ourselves 2 horses? We could ride them in the summer and in the winter we could put them in the paddock behind the house." George thought it was a great idea, so the next day they went out and bought themselves 2 horses. They rode them in the summer, but when winter came George got worried. He said "Hey, Bob, how are we going to tell them apart next spring?" Bob said, "Well, I'll shave the mane off mine and you shave the tail off yours." This satisfied George, so he did. The next spring when they went back to get their horses they found the horses' hair had all grown back. Alarmed, George said, "Oh great, now how are we going to tell them apart?" Bob said, "Well, you can have the black one and I'll take the white one."


A cowboy goes into a bar, has a beer, walks outside and finds his horse has been stolen. He walks back into the bar, fires his gun through the ceiling. "Which one of you mothers stole my hoss?" he yells. No one answers. "All right, I'm gonna have one more beer and if my hoss ain't outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas." He drinks another beer, walks outside, and his horse is back. So he gets on it and gets ready to ride out of town. The bartender walks out of the bar and asks, "Say pardner, what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turns to him, and says, "I had to bloody walk home."


A baseball scout's star discovery turned out to be a horse. Even though the team manager was sceptical, he gave the horse a tryout. The horse went up to the plate with a bat in his hooves and knocked every ball pitched to him out of the park. Then the manager put the horse in the outfield and he caught every ball hit to him. The manager was impressed. He started the horse on opening day. In the first inning the horse cracked the ball into the stands. The horse just stood at home plate. "Run, run", screamed the manager. "Run"? remarked the horse, "Are you nuts"? If I could run, I wouldn't be at the ballpark - I'd be at the race track.


There was this farmer who had worked for so many years without desiring anything for himself. Finally one day he developed this urge to possess a horse. He struggled with himself to suppress this desire but did not succeed. He looked around for a horse, did not find one satisfactory, so went to the mountains to see the spiritual leader. To his surprise he saw a horse there. He asked the master if he could have that horse. The master agreed to part with his horse, but told the farmer that the horse was a spiritual horse: To make the horse move ahead you say -- "thank god"; to get the horse gallop away you say -- "thank god, thank god"; to stop the horse you say "thank god, thank god, thank god". The farmer took the horse, climbed it and said "thank god". After getting the hang of riding, he ordered "thank god, thank god". The horse took off in a pace he had never seen before. Soon to his horror he saw that they were approaching a precipice and he had forgotten the key words to stop the horse. He started to pray with all his heart and then finally he remembered the key words. When he finished uttering them they were standing only an inch away from the precipice. He was so happy and so very grateful to the lord that he looked up and uttered the incredible words: "..... ..."


The jockey held the reins tightly and leaned forward on his galloping horse. "Let's go, let's go, let's go!" he urged,shouting over the thunder of hoofbeats as the horses raced down the homestretch. He could see it was going to be a close race,so he went to the whip. He felt the horse jolt as he tapped its flank,and he sprang forward.The jockey knew he was flying now, flying past the rest of the pack,flying over the finish line. As the jockey struggled to catch his breath, he saw the horse's owner hurrying over to congratulate him. "I've got good news and bad news about that race," the owner said.   "The good news is you finished first!"  "And what's the bad news?" asked the jockey.  "The bad news is your horse finished 18th!"


At the post office a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it took three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought a moment and then suggested, "The horses are a lot older now?"


A patient had an automobile phobia, and his psychiatrist (a bit old-fashioned) said, "If you had a horse you wouldn't have to drive a car." "But, Doc," he protested, "Horses can't drive cars!"


One day at the track, I got a tip from my backside friends. A horse named "The Power of Prayer" was running in the sixth race. I placed my bets and found my seat. I should have known better: when the starting gate opened, he broke on his knees.


Quote from an actual news article:   Great care must be exercised in tying horses to trees, as they are apt to bark.


Two city fellows vacationing in the country hired a horse and buggy for a little outing. Upon reaching their destination, the horse was unharnessed and permitted peacefully to graze while the men fished for an hour or two. When they were ready to go back, a difficulty at once presented itself, inasmuch as neither of the city fellows knew how to reharness the horse. Every effort in that direction met with dire failure, and the worst problem was properly adjusting the bit. The horse himself seemed to resent the idea of going into harness again. Finally one of the firends, in great disgust, sat down in the road. "There's only one thing to do, Bill", said he.
"What's that?" asked Bill.
"Wait for the foolish beast to yawn!"


If everyone had a horse ... the country would be more 'stabilized'.


"Mother", said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."
"Are you sure?" asked his mother.
"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."


Customer:  Waiter, there's no chicken in this chicken soup.
Waiter:     Yeah, and there's no horse in the horse radish either.


Horse definition of Bach Chorale:- Out behind the barn where you keep the horse.


A man was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of his head with a huge black frying pan. Boing!
Man: "What was that for?!"
Wife: "What was that piece of paper in your pant's pocket with the name Marylou written on it?!"
Man: "Oh honey. Don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of one of the horses I bet on."
The wife seemed satisfied and headed on to do some work around the house, feeling a bit sheepish. Three days later he is once again sitting in his chair reading and she repeats the frying pan swatting. Boing!!
Man: "What's that for this time?"
Wife: "Your horse called!"


A horseback riding trip had been orgainzed and everyone was going through the orientation, i.e. "anyone ever ridden (seen?) a horse before?", etc. Everyone's told: "It's simple. The horses are all neck rein trained. Hold the reins in one hand. To turn left, move the reins left. To turn right, move the reins right. If you pull back on the reins, the horse will slow down, then back up. To make the horse go, kick gently." At this point, someone exclaims: "Oh, I get it, it's a point and kick user interface."


It was a violent storm, but Rene Descartes and his colleague Raoul had agreed to attend a philosopher's convention in Paris. En route, their carriage became hopelessly mired in the mud. Refusing to accept defeat, Descartes leapt from the carriage, pushed the driver aside, and began pulling on the horse. The animal bolted and knocked the philosopher back into the mud. Raoul climbed out and they helped the dazed Frenchman to his feet. "In the future, " the driver said to Raoul, "you would be wise not to put Descartes before the horse."


My horse is very polite. Whenever we come to a jump he stops and lets me go first!


A man wakes up in the morning and it is 5:55 a.m. The temperature is 55 degrees and the humidity is 55%. He turns on his TV to channel 5. He gets up and it is may 5th. He heads to work and his car has 55,555.5 miles on the odometer. He gets to work goes to the 5th floor. He has five messages. IT DAWNS ON HIM. He rushes to the race track. His ticket is $5 and he is put in section 5, row 5, seat 5. In the fifth race is a horse called, "Double Nickels". He understands fate as spoken. He bets his entire bank account and maxes all credit cards. The race is run... DOUBLE NICKLES CAME IN FIFTH.


An Amish man named Samuel was injured when he and his horse were struck by a car at an intersection. Samuel sued the driver of the car. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer: Lawyer: Samuel, you've told us all about your injuries. However, according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you weren't injured at all, isn't that true?" Samuel: Well ... let me explain. Lawyer: Go right ahead (thinking he now had the plaintiff on the ropes). Please tell the jury. Samuel: When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked upon my fallen horse. Finding him injured, the officer said to me, 'Looks like he has a broken leg,' and then he took out his weapon and shot my horse dead. Then the officer came up me and asked me how I was doing. Of course, I immediately replied, 'I'm OK!'


Sign in a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours--we guarantee no miscarriages.


Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race. The horse won easily and paid a whopping price. The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner. "Is this horse unsound?" they asked. "Not a bit," said the owner. "In that case," asked the stewards, "why have you never raced him before?" "Mister," said the man from Idaho, "we couldn't even catch the critter until he was five years old."


An old woman is feeding her horse, Puff, and a fairy appears and says, "I'm here to give you three wishes." The old woman says, "I wish I were 21 years old and beautiful again." Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house were a mansion." Poof! Done. "And now, I wish that Puff were the handsomest man in the world and deeply in love with me." Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of the handsomest man in the world. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"


A Methodist circuit rider come to a crossroads in Wisconsin where stood a typical country lad--freckled, barefooted, pants rolled up, shirt open. The preacher was mounted on just about the poorest horse they had ever seen in those parts. Addressing the boy, he said, "My son, which one of these roads will take me to Stoughton?" The boy paid no attention to the questions. He had never seen a respectable man mounted on so sorry a steed. The minister repeated his question and the boy looked up and asked, "Who are you?" "I am a follower of the Lord.", replied the Preacher. "Well," said the boy, "it won't make any difference which road you take. You'll never catch Him with that horse."


A white horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The barman says to the horse, do you know that we have a drink named after you. The horse says, "I didn't know that you had a drink called Fred!"


Q: How did the rodeo horse get so rich?
A:  He had a lot of bucks.

Q: What do you call a horse that likes arts and crafts?
A:  A hobby horse.

Q: What's a nightmare?
A:  A horse that keeps late hours.

Q: What kind of horse comes from Pennsylvania?
A:  A Philly.

Q: Why was the little horse unhappy?
A:  Because every time it wanted something, it's mother would say, "Neigh!".

Q: What's a Zebra?
A:  A horse with ventian blinds.

Q: Why was the horse all charged up?
A:  Because it ate haywire.

Q: Why are horses lousy dancers?
A:  They have two left feet.

Q: How do you get down from a horse?
A:  You don't get down from a horse, you get down from a goose!


The tenderfoot thought he could ride, so he mounted the pony. A moment later he painfully picked himself out of the dust in one corner of the corral. "Man, oh man," he said, "but she bucked something fierce." "Bucked?" said a nearby cowboy, "She only coughed!"


Two cowboys were riding across the range when one of their horses died, so they both got on the one remaining horse and continued riding. In a few minutes, the one on the rear shouted that an indian was approaching. The one in the front asked, "How big is he?" Holding his hands about 12 inches apart the one on the rear said, "This high." In a few minutes, the one on the front asked, "Now, how big is he?" The cowboy on the rear replied, holding his hands 3 feet apart, "This high." In a few more minutes, the front cowboy asked again, "Now, how big is he?" Holding his hand 6 feet above the ground, the rear cowboy replied, "This high." So the front cowboy yelled, "Quick! Grab my pistol there and shoot him!" Holding his hands 12 inches apart again, the one on the rear replied, "I can't! I've known him since he was this high."


Old west... A saloon... All of a sudden, the door opens with a kick, and a cowboy in black enters... Black hat, black foulard, black shirt, black trousers, black boots, black gloves, black belt, and a black pair of guns... Everyone looks at him with fearful eyes. He approaches the bartender, and asks: "Do you have a bucket?" The bartender runs inside, finds a wooden bucket, comes back. The cowboy in black looks to the bucket, and orders: "Now, bring me three bottles of whisky." Seconds later: "Pour them into the bucket." And, then: "And now, bring this to my horse outside." The frightened and surprised bartender does what the cowboy in black tells him to do. He finds a horse, black as night, tied in front of the bar, completely in black harness. It drinks all the whisky at once. Then the bartender returns back inside the bar. The cowboy very carefully looks into the bucket, sees that nothing is left, and asks: "What do I owe for this?" The bartender, while calculating the price, asks: "Won't you drink anything?" The cowboy in black replies: "No. I don't drink and drive."


There were two church-going women gossiping in front of the store when a dusty old cowboy rode up. He tied up in front of the saloon, walked around behind his horse, lifted its tail and kissed the horse full on its rear. Repulsed, one of the women asked, "That's disgusting, why did you do THAT?" To which the cowboy replied, "I've got chapped lips." Confused, the women continued, "Does that make them feel better?" "No, but it stops me from licking them!"


A tall, weather-worn cowboy walked into a saloon and ordered a drink. The regulars quietly observed the drifter through half-closed eyelids. None spoke, but they all noticed that the stranger's hat was made of brown wrapping paper. Less obvious was the fact that his shirt and vest were also made of paper. As were his chaps, pants, and even his boots, including the paper spurs. Truth be told, even the saddle, blanket and bridle on his horse were made entirely of paper. The sheriff walks in and of course he arrests him immediately - for rustling.


An Indian asked an Oklahoma bank for a loan of $300. "What security have you got?" the banker asked him. "Got 150 horses." This was satisfactory so the loan was granted. Several weeks later the Indian came into the bank, pulled out a huge roll of bills, counted off the $300 plus interest due the bank, and started to leave. The banker said, "Why don't you let us take care of the rest of that money for you. You've got an awful lot of cash there." "How many horses you got?" asked the Indian.


A farmer was trying to to sell his horse. After exercising it, he exclaimed to his potential buyer: "Don't you admire his coat?" "Coat's all right", said the prospect, "but, I don't care for the pants."


One horse trader said bitterly to the other: "That horse you sold me is blind." " To which the other replied, "Well, I said he was a fine horse but he didn't look good."


A traveling salesman stopped alongside a field on a country road to rest a few minutes. The man had just closed his eyes when a horse came to the fence and began to boast about his past. "Yes sir, I'm a fine horse. I've run in 25 races and won over $5 million dollars. I keep my trophies in the barn." The salesman computed the value of having a talking horse, found the horse's owner and offered a handsome sum for the animal. "Aw, you don't want that horse," said the farmer. "Yes, I do," said the salesman, "and I'll give you $100,000 for the horse." Recognizing a good deal, the farmer said without hesitation, "He's yours." While he wrote out his check, the salesman asked, "By the way, why wouldn't I want your horse?" "Because," said the farmer, "he's a liar - he hasn't won a race in his life."


A horse trader, in New England, sold a pair of horses which he guaranteed were willing horses. Shortly afterwards the buyer came back and complained that the horses were very poor workers and added, "You told me that the horses were willing." "I did," said the trader, "And they are willing. One is willing to stop, and the other is willing to let him."


"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor,
"Mr. Nichols, what is the opposite of joy?"
"Sadness," said the student.
"And the opposite of depression, Ms. Biggs?"
"Elation."
"And you sir, how about the opposite of woe?"
"I believe that would be giddy up"